Year 4 Teacher Cracks Open Mystery Six-Pack

Desperate times call for desperate measures as Year 4 teacher, Ms Jacqui Kenny, discovered after a particularly draining term.

After battling through ten weeks of teaching, staff meetings, student misbehaviour and her insistence on decorating her classroom to the extent it looks like a laminated rainbow, Ms Kenny found herself close to tears. Dragging herself into the staffroom the teacher was in desperate need of a drink. Upon discovering the staff fridge devoid of alcoholic beverages,

Ms Kenny faced two choices:

  1. Raid the Home Economics storeroom for cooking sherry
  2. Open the six-pack that’s been sitting in the back corner of the staffroom since before the Australian Bicentenary time-capsule was sealed

I woke up hours later, with the laminator jammed and surrounded by glitter, with the cleaner’s vacuum thundering in the classroom next door.

Jacqui Kenny Year 4 Teacher

Opting for the mystery six-pack, Ms Kenny blew-off decades of dust to discover six Melbourne Bitter stubbies. ‘I ripped out a stubby and took a swig.’ Ms Kenny has no memory of the following hours. ‘I woke up hours later, with the laminator jammed and surrounded by glitter, with the cleaner’s vacuum thundering in the classroom next door.’

 

The origin of the six-pack remains unclear, however several theories have been floated. Mr Adrian Fisher, the oldest member of the teaching staff, believes the drinks were leftover from a celebration of Australia’s 1983 America’s Cup win. ‘I vaguely remember having beers in the staffroom and singing Land Down Under.’ Meanwhile, the oldest staff member at the school, business manager Mrs Dorothy Reid, had a different take on the beverages. ‘The only record I can find of Melbourne Bitter stubbies is the assets register of 1982 that I compiled. And if Jacqui has drank one of those beers without a purchase order then she’s going to have to reimburse the school.’

After losing five hours of her life (and her lunch), Ms Kenny has sworn off alcohol. However, PE Teacher, Mr Stu Richards believes he has a use for the remaining five drinks. ‘Next time Ava Hollywood starts a staff bonding activity I’m going to neck one of those stubbies. Anything’s better than listening to colleagues debating who would play them if a movie was made of their life. Breaking news: you look nothing like Brad Pitt and a movie of your life would suck.’

Anything’s better than listening to colleagues debating who would play them if a movie was made of their life. Breaking news: you look nothing like Brad Pitt and a movie of your life would suck.

Stu Richards Physical Education Teacher

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