Themed Songs Are Not Music To Everyone’s Ears

The discovery of Mr Stu Richards’ laptop connected to the school’s public announcement system has confirmed a long-held theory in the staff’s minds: the PE teacher is feeding the bell-monitors themed songs.

Ex-teacher, Ms Veronica Cooper, first raised suspicion about the music played towards the end of 2018 (the monitors play a song before ringing the bell to allow students time to get a drink and use the bathroom).

I broke down in the staffroom. Next thing I know the bell monitors are playing Let Her Cry by Hootie and the Blowfish.

Veronica Cooper Ex-Teacher

When contacted for comment she said, ‘Earlier that week I’d been interviewed to reapply for my job and I’d just been told I was unsuccessful. I broke down in the staffroom. Next thing I know the bell monitors are playing Let Her Cry by Hootie and the Blowfish. The following day they played Crowded House’s Don’t Dream It’s Over. Stu had a stupid grin; he’s always been mean to me.’

While no formal complaints have been made, several staff have voiced concern about the apparent connection between the bell monitors’ song selections and the staffs’ personal lives. Ms Julie Finlayson commented, ‘Ruth, our AP, was hospitalised for a few days and the monitors played Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. The following day it was Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again? When she returned it was Not You Again. I love James Reyne, but that was highly inappropriate.’

Graduate teacher Mr Sam Richards believes he was a target after losing his licence for speeding. ‘I tried to keep it quiet but word got out and Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car was played. I thought he’d moved onto someone else when Everything Little Thing She Does Is Magic was played the next day, then I looked up who sings that one.’

Other suspected themed-songs include Should I Stay or Should I Go? after Ms Bianca Daniels confided to staff her marriage was on the rocks, Young Years on Mr Adrian Fisher’s 60th birthday and the Monday after a staff member was asked to present ID at a function, Girl You’ll be a Woman Soon.

Far from denying the allegations, Mr Richards seemed proud of his selections, however he insisted on being referred to as DJ Fortune Tella. ‘The only person I’m dirty on is the bell monitors who left my laptop plugged into the PA. We had a great system. I’d line the songs up and they’d play them. I had heaps more material.’ DJ Fortune Tella even confessed to songs no one had suspected. ‘Daytime Friends Nightime Lovers, you know who that was for.’

Far from denying the allegations, Mr Richards seemed proud of his selections, however he insisted on being referred to as DJ Fortune Tella.

Stu Richards Physical Education Teacher

1 comment

  • Glen Donaldson
    / Reply

    If we’re talking requests then I’m still waiting for my current school to let rip with some Billy Idol for the ‘time to go to lunch’ signal.

    I may be waiting some time though since I don’t think there’s anyone quite old enough currently working at the school – besides Herb the groundsman (and he’s TOO old) and maybe one or two of the teacher-aid ladies – to remember who he was.

    The day they play either LET IT GO (from the FROZEN soundtrack) or Chris Brown’s INTERNATIONAL LOVE (unlikely I know) for the bell signal is the day I find me a new institutuion to register at (note the meaning-heavy wording of that last statement – tee hee!)

    Ps. Don’t misunderstand me. I like the song INTERNATIONAL LOVE, but a thousand times since 2011? C’mon! Remind me to delete it from my car playlist now I think of it.

Leave a comment